The essence of first dates

A lot of people think dating is the necessary bad preceding a relationship.

They couldn’t be more wrong! First of all, casual dating doesn’t have to evolve into a relationship; so many things can get in the way: you might find that the two of you aren’t a good match for each other; you might be looking for completely different things; you might find that she doesn’t live up to your standards, or that your current circumstances are getting in the way (moving to another continent, for example). But this doesn’t mean dating is a waste of time! Dating is a great opportunity to improve yourself while having fun in the process.

This brings me to my second point: even without developing a meaningful relationship with the other person, you still have so much to gain from dating! You can get to know yourself better, develop clear standards and boundaries that women have to live up to, and find out exactly what you’re looking for. You can experiment and practice interacting and flirting with women to improve your women-skills – which in turn will improve your success in the future. You can have meaningful conversations, do enjoyable things, and actually have fun while going on dates.

A lot of men have a fucked up view on dating. Many think it’s a necessary bad thing that will inevitably lead to a relationship. For this reason, they are either scared or lazy to get creative when coming up with date ideas (yes, it’s our role as men to take the lead and suggest something to do or somewhere to go – something a little more creative and fun than going to the movies for the first date). For this reason, they fail to get to know the girl and develop a meaningful connection with her; they fail to leave an impact and have the other person excited about going on a second date; they even fail to know for sure if they themselves want to go on a second date (well, except for the fact that she’s hot).

Others think that they need to go out of their way to impress women on first dates. They plan expensive and lengthy dinners, spend a small fortune on impressing the girl, and brag about themselves in a pathetic effort to make a good first impression. They usually come off as unconfident and needy douches, who feel they need to add external value to themselves in order to become attractive – all while giving zero actual shits about the girl. These try-hards make most girls feel uncomfortable and eager to leave.

If you want to go on amazing first dates, you should plan the dates in a way that they have certain characteristics. Obviously, the more of these characteristics your first dates have, the better, but make sure that you don’t overdo it – feeling light-hearted and natural is key to having a great time!

1. Casual

Nothing too fancy, nothing too expensive, and don’t put too much effort into planning your first date! You don’t even know the girl yet, you don’t want to spend hours planning the date, and you definitely don’t want to spend a fortune on the very first date. With that being said, you can decide to be a gentleman, and pay for a larger portion of the date – although I don’t recommend it. Still, if you do, make sure that you don’t make a big deal out of it and expect nothing in return.

Also, your first date shouldn’t be too lengthy! It can go on for hours, if both of you are having an amazing time and have nothing to do afterwards; but you shouldn’t glue the girl to yourself: if anything goes wrong, either of you should be able to just stand up and leave – no pressure.

If you want casual first dates, you should immediately rule out fancy dinners, weekend trips, and expensive concerts, shows, or exhibitions!

2. Fun

Dating should be an enjoyable experience for the both of you – and not an uncomfortable necessity that you just want to get over with. Try to do something that you both enjoy; and make sure to do that something with each other and not just next to each other. If both of you are having fun, you’ll stop worrying about the what she’s thinking of you, and start focusing on whatever you’re doing together. She will probably feel the same way – she will trust you more and feel better around you if you can get her lost in the moment.

Also, by creating good memories together, you will have a greater impact on her thoughts, and she will be excited to go on the next date with you – and until then, tell her friends all about the great times you had together. By doing fun things together, the two of you will develop inside jokes that only the two of you understand, and have a whole set of new topics for future conversations.

3. Adrenaline

Doing something a little more extreme or exciting together will move the both of you out of your comfort-zones. This is definitely a good thing, since most people only dream about doing something out of the ordinary, but rarely ever do it. So, the fact that you’re the one moving her out of her comfort zone will make you feel very special to her.

Doing – and surviving – something a little more extreme together will increase both of your adrenaline and oxytocin levels – the two hormones responsible for excitement and trust. Without going deeper into the science behind this, both of these hormones cause some form of addiction – addiction that she will subconsciously associate with you.

With that being said, you shouldn’t plan anything too extreme, uncomfortable, or dangerous. The physical and mental well-beings of the both of you should be your number-one priority when planning an adrenaline-packed date! Also, if you plan something too far out of her comfort-zone, then she just won’t want to do it.

4. Connection

At some point of your first date, you’ll want to have an opportunity to have deeper conversations with each other. Sure, you’re having fun and all, but ultimately, you’re there to get to know the other person better. Sooner or later you want to know about her passions, her dreams, her goals, her opinions on subjects that are important to you – and overall if you’re a good match for each other. You want to know what she’s looking for, what her core values are, and what she’s all about – and you want to let her to know some things about you too.

Having meaningful conversations will increase the trust between the two of you – on a deeper level than anything else on this list, since you’re actually getting to know the other person through these conversations. At first, focus the conversation on her – without going into interview-mode! Then, as topics come up, you can pitch in more and more. The key is to be completely honest, and be willing to disagree or have a light-hearted argument with her (that can be really fun if you make sure it doesn’t go too far). You should also be willing to call her out if something about her is completely against your core values and standards – you’ll feel a lot better about yourself, while also showing her that you have values that she has to live up to if she wants a second date.

5. Intimacy

It’s just the two of you, without any distractions. Whatever you’re doing, you can focus completely on the other person, without loud music, phones, accidentally running into friends, or other women hitting on you while she’s out to adjust her make-up (or the other way around while you’re off to use the toilet). You’re there with her, and she’s there with you. Whatever you’re doing, she’s primarily there because of you – don’t ever forget that!

This way you can give each other all of your attention, flirt, and even advance things. Distractions may seem like life-savers when you’re stuck in a conversation with awkward silences, or when you suddenly have no idea what to say or what to do. But in reality, too many distractions will only cause you to have a mediocre date without developing a deeper connection with her. Sure, a few distractions here-and-there are acceptable, and you don’t need to be completely isolated from the external world, but having too many distractions can quickly become a mood-killer.

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