Think about your favorite action movie: you know, the one with the badass secret agent (or superhero?) with the fighting skills of at least 30 Bruce Lees. (Warning: spoilers coming up!) This unbelievably amazing guy suddenly finds himself in a tight situation, fights evil, goes through an emotional struggle in the background, saves the world (or his city, country, family, or basically anything else with intangible value), and at the very end – after fighting his ass off, saving the world, overcoming his inner demons, and doing everything else perfectly – gets the girl! But you can’t just earn women like that…
Now think about your favorite pop song. You know, the one that tells you that you cannot be a complete human being on your own, or the one that’s about how everything will magically fall into place once you finally find true love… But if you’re not complete and happy on your own, you’ll probably be miserable in a relationship.
But you can take a look at Disney movies, fairytales, bedtime stories (well, at least some bedtime stories), “common wisdom” about being a gentleman or Prince Charming on a white horse – it’s all the same story; and I guarantee that it will fuck you up.
Because of all the BS that society is constantly feeding us, most of us guys have a completely twisted idea of how dating and attraction works, harming the way we interact with girls. Everything we’ve come across while growing up has damaged our dating-mindsets – making us act creepy, submissive, or just plain retarded around beautiful women.
Then, we suddenly find ourselves standing there, rejected and confused: what the fuck just happened?!? We did everything society has taught us to do, everything we believed was right, everything other girls advised us to do, and we still got ignored, rejected, or dumped! In this article I’m going to try and debunk these false beliefs and twisted mindsets, and replace them with new ones that actually work. Hopefully, you’ll never have to stand there – rejected and confused – ever again!
Be the buyer…
…and NOT the seller!
Most of us make the mistake of trying to sell ourselves to women, without them actually deserving it. We don’t even know the girl, but we’re already bragging, trying to be funny or interesting, spending money on her (even buying a total stranger a cup of coffee counts), doing small favors, putting up with her bullshit, or trying to live up to her standards – without having any standards of our own. Most guys get too invested in a girl way too fast.
Don’t be that guy…
I mean, think about it: would you go out of your way to convince a saleswoman to sell you a car that you know absolutely nothing about? Would you meet her, bring her chocolates, buy her a coffee and then go on-and-on about how good of a driver you are, how often you clean your car, how you have the no food in the car rule – all while trying to be funny and cute? Would you want to buy the car regardless of its price or quality?
Of course not!
You’d probably want to know more about the car, carefully assessing whether it’s worth your money or not. You’d ask questions, take multiple looks at the car, and take in as much information as possible before getting invested in your decision to buy the car – and actually buying it.
Now, I’m not saying that some people are like cars by any means. But just like you want to be sure you’re not spending a shitload of money on a bad car, you should make sure that you’re not spending your time with someone who can’t live up to your standards. Otherwise you’d just be submissive and needy – even kind of superficial and creepy if you think about it. Don’t give the impression of being interested in her no matter what, or that you’re willing to go out of your way to make her – a total stranger – like you back.
Instead, perceive yourself as a high-value man, who wants to spend time with a high-value woman. So, instead of asking “How can I prove to you that I’m worthy of your time and attention?” ask “Why should I make sacrifices for you and/or choose to spend my time with you – instead of someone else?”
And just like that, you’ll transform from the needy nice-guy, the bragging jerk – or any other member of the Unfantastic Four – into the relaxed but confident man with standards that she has to live up to (at least if she wants to be with you)! Suddenly, you’ll no longer be the salesman who’s desperately trying to sell something. You’ll be the careful buyer who’s interested but is still evaluating – genuinely curious about what the saleswoman has to offer.
Does this mean that you can’t be a gentleman from time-to-time or that you can’t be interesting and fun to be around? Does it mean that you have to be a stuck up and narcissistic douche, or that you should go around giving zero effort, hoping to be swept off your feet? Absolutely not! But it does mean that you should stop being a try-hard, and instead of focusing on what she thinks about you, start focusing on what you think about her!
Innocent, until proven guilty
Here’s a great mindset I learned from this amazing book by Dave Perrotta (preview at the end of the post). Since then, I always assume a girl I’m interested in also likes me – until proven otherwise. Most guys have it backwards, searching for the small signs that might hint that the girl is in fact attracted to them. But this is absolutely paralyzing: you see a subtle sign from the girl, think about what it means, reevaluate at least 50 times, and still be unsure of whether she likes you or not – whether you should take action or not…
Meanwhile, I just assume the girl likes me, enjoys spending time with me, and wants me to advance things – until she clearly signals or says the opposite! I don’t worry about all the what ifs, I don’t search for all the small signs, and I definitely don’t wait around for her to make a move on me.
This is very powerful for so many reasons!
First of all, it completely removes any initial stress or anxiety I might have – I’m having a conversation with a girl who’s excited about hanging out with me, why shouldn’t I just relax and have fun along the way?
Secondly, I’m more willing to take risks, flirt, and try to advance things, since I’m not waiting for that one magical sign that she likes me (that unmistakable sign rarely ever comes anyway – girls are usually more subtle than that)! I presume that she genuinely wants me to flirt with her, ask her interesting questions, tease her playfully, and eventually advance things further in some way.
Finally, having this mindset really helps me to enforce the first mindset (as well as every other mindset in this post): she’s attracted to me – now all I have to decide is whether I like her too.
Don’ worry, women won’t hesitate to stop you if you’re moving too fast, and they will definitely let you know if they’re not attracted to you at all – and that’s when you take a step back or stop completely. Don’t be pushy, don’t be aggressive, and always take rejection gracefully. But until that happens (if that happens) – by assuming the best – you’ll have the confidence to have a real man-to-woman interaction, give yourself an honest chance with the girl, and even enjoy yourself in the process.
Perception of outcome
What’s your definition of a successful interaction with a girl?
Well, I’ll tell you mine… If I gave it my best shot, used my skillsets to the fullest, and tried to enjoy her presence, I think of it as a success – regardless of the actual outcome. If we hit it off, great; if she rejects me, I try to learn from that experience for next time (or I just go on with my day without giving it a second thought). Regardless, I stepped out of my comfort-zone, practiced my skills, and gave myself an opportunity to develop something more with an attractive girl. I did everything I could to make it happen – I’m unwilling to feel bad over things I had no control over!
You have to realize that some rejection is inevitable. You can be the most handsome and the most charming guy to ever walk the face of this planet – with amazing game, smooth lines, an incredible sense of humor, and a godlike physique – you’ll still get rejected sometimes. Shit happens, and you have to be willing to accept that. But most of us – since we don’t have all of these insane qualities – get rejected slightly more often; and that’s okay too. Instead of obsessing over what the girl says, start treating “giving it your best shot with your current qualities, skills, and circumstances” as a huge success! Feel good about taking your chances, and don’t let a rejection – caused by things out of your control – ruin your mood!
Based on this definition, the only true failure is if you fail to man up in the first place; if you let the little voice inside of your head crush your confidence; if you rationalize your inaction while the girl just walks away… Trust me, you will never regret taking action and going for the girl (at the very least you’ll feel proud of yourself for trying), but you will always regret chickening out and not even giving yourself a chance!
With that being said, you should obviously aim to improve your game and skills, boost your confidence, upgrade your style, and gain new experiences – over time! Sure, all of this will help with girls, but it will also improve your overall life. As for now, rewire your brain, change how you think about failure and success, and get ready to start succeeding (while getting less and less rejections over time).
You can’t earn women
To make sure we’re on the same page here… Action movies aren’t real life! You cannot earn quality women by facing a series of challenges, becoming insanely successful in life, or saving the world. It just doesn’t work that way.
Now, I’m sure that most of us won’t ever be in a situation to save the world from aliens… Still, no matter what you do – get rich, get jacked, be kind and thoughtful, buy a few drinks, or achieve something amusing and otherwise truly incredible – it won’t guarantee that you get the girl. Nothing you can do will entitle you to women, there is no sure way. In fact, believing that you can earn their love and affection – that you can manipulate them into liking you by behaving a certain way or by achieving a certain thing – is probably the whole foundation of neediness. And if anything, women are truly repulsed by a needy man…
Instead of focusing on – usually almost meaningless – things, purely in hopes of finally earning appreciation from girls once you’ve achieved whatever you’re after, trust that you’re good enough already – and focus on improving the way you interact with girls: your flirting techniques, social skills, and confidence. You should still aim to better yourself every day, evolve as a person, gain new experiences, work out regularly, learn new skills, and make more money – but this time around, you’re doing it for yourself, and not to impress someone else.
What are your thoughts on the subject? Do you agree that the mindsets I mentioned in this post ruin the way we interact with girls? Let me know in the comments! Also, don’t forget to follow Vikingfinity – I have articles just like this one coming up every week, and you don’t want to miss them!
And now, for the promised book preview…