What’s the number one reason that’s causing you to struggle in your dating life? Is it the fear of rejection, failure, or embarrassment?
I mean, there are so many other reasons: you could be lazy to change anything in your comfortable life; or you might be lacking the know-how to be truly successful with girls; or maybe you’re coming across the wrong way due to a lack of confidence.
But if the fear of rejection is actually a legit issue in your life, I have some good news for you: it’s the easiest issue ever to overcome.
Today I’m going to try something different. As some of you might know, I’ve been working on a dating-focused self-improvement book for the better part of fall and winter, and I’m super excited to say that I’ll be publishing it in a few months (make sure to follow Vikingfinity so you don’t miss the launch)!
Today, I’ll be sharing a short chapter from my book on how to destroy the fear of rejection once and for all (drop your feedback and thoughts in the comments – I’ll use it to improve this chapter as well as my writing style overall).
If you’re ready, then what are you waiting for? Let’s get started!
Destroying the fear of rejection – forever
What if she rejects me? – Lehel asked. It was a fair question, and I was struggling to give him a fair – but reassuring – answer.
It was the summer of 2018, and we were at a music festival somewhere in Central-Europe. Great music, amazing parties, and – surprise – lots of cute girls. Lehel was a guy I just met there, a friend of a friend who was out there to have a good time, and I was his voluntary wingman and self-appointed dating-coach. Now, at the time I was already a few months into a fulfilling and overall incredible relationship – I had no intention of changing that; so, instead of getting out there myself, I made it my mission to help Lehel succeed with a cute girl, whatever his goal was. Now, Lehel was a well-intentioned handsome guy, with a great sense of humor, a kind heart, and godlike muscles forged from many years of tears and sweat on the judo tatami. Based on his looks and personality, he could have easily hooked up with any girl – and still, he was afraid.
But back to his question: no matter what I told him, the little voice inside his head had already gotten too loud, and he just couldn’t get it to shut up. He was absolutely paralyzed and lost way too deep inside his head to even look at a girl without feeling embarrassed. There was no amount of encouragement I could give him, and no amount of alcohol he could drink that could get the little voice to go quiet for the 15 seconds he needed to approach a girl and say Hi. We really had to come up with something new to overcome his paralyzing fear.
Failure is your friend
The people who are most afraid of failure haven’t really failed in their lives. Despite dodging rejection all their lives, they still might (and usually do) have shitty lives because they are always avoiding difficult situations, willing to settle for way less than they dreamed of. These people really don’t have a lot of experience with failure: they don’t understand how to embrace rejections and actually learn valuable lessons from each experience. Their fear paralyzes them to a point that they believe inaction is better than risking failure. They’re dissatisfied not despite, but because of them playing it safe…
This happens even if they logically know that not taking action is the worst thing they can do to themselves; literally the only road to true failure. Now, there could be many reasons why you might avoid taking risks: maybe you’re giving in to social pressure, maybe your ego is getting in the way, or maybe it’s something totally different. Either way, always avoiding difficult situations and settling for less is not the way to go if you want to get great with women (that’s some insecure nice-guy shit right there).
I know this is tough, but you need to understand that you gain experience from every rejection; and after a few times you’ll learn the most valuable lesson of them all: you’ll realize that it’s not half as bad as you initially imagined it to be – in fact, fearing rejection from a random girl is completely irrational. And eventually this realization will numb you to rejection – you’ll still get rejected sometimes, but you won’t give a shit anymore: you’ll just accept it and move on with your day.
And the less fucks you give about the outcome of a situation, the more confident you will become: you’ll be willing to take more risks, crack more jokes, flirt more, and just generally be yourself more. It sounds counterintuitive, but getting rejected a few times will actually boost your confidence and allow you to have better interactions with women.
It’s that simple.
And you can only fail if you play the game. If you succeed and end up with a girl (whether for a date, a night, or for a relationship), good for you man, congratulations! If you get rejected? You’ve gained an invaluable experience, and now have a greater chance of success next time.
The road to success is paved with failures. Read that sentence again! So embrace rejection: realize that every single „no” is actually getting you closer to a „yes” – sure, maybe from someone else, but does that really matter?
The very first step is to realize that getting rejected isn’t so bad at all. And you can come to this realization eventually, over time; or you can do exactly what I told Lehel to do that night to overcome his fear instantly.
Who’s the second most beautiful girl on the dancefloor? – I asked Lehel. He shyly pointed to a girl, and my jaws dropped. She was in fact really cute – just the type of girl Lehel described as his type. Lehel had no idea what I had in mind though, but he was about to find out…
I told him: Go up to that girl, and you have 30 seconds to get rejected on purpose! Lehel didn’t like it; he must have thought that I was crazy or something – but I insisted and he eventually gave in. So, he went up, confused, a little nervous, but overall just questioning why he’s listening to me at all. He said Hi, and then came one of the cheesiest and worst pick-up lines that I have ever heard in my life. Lehel got rejected big time, got laughed at by basically everyone who heard him, got stared at by at least 6 girls in disbelief – and still, he came back to me confidently with a wide grin on his face, full of excitement. He was completely thrilled! I could see from far away that we have finally accomplished what we were striving for all along: the little voice in his head finally went silent, unable to sabotage Lehel’s pursuits any longer. He realized that getting rejected wasn’t so bad after all; that the monsters only existed inside of his head. Oh, and guess who had no problem at all approaching the number one cutest girl on the dancefloor afterwards?
Your job is to start getting rejected. You have to develop a mindset where youjust don’t care about the outcome of your interaction, numbing yourself to rejection.
I recommend you do two things: first of all, give yourself social challenges, where you get rejected by women on purpose, basically anywhere you are: on the street, at a bar, in the park, or at a club. You can start doing this now, without even reading the rest of the book!
Secondly, the next time you go out (or go anywhere you might consider approaching girls) your first job – before you even consider any normal communication with a girl – is to get rejected on purpose. Don’t overthink it, be super awkward, make a fool out of yourself, be cheesy as possible or start acting extremely needy; you don’t even have to be creative to get rejected. Embrace your failure, and keep on getting rejected on purpose until you don’t give a single fuck about it. When you achieve this state of mind, you’ll be ready to start succeeding!
Remember: your goal here is to get rejected. You succeed in achieving this goal, if you actually get rejected. This shift of mindset will give you the courage to do exactly what Lehel did! Just make sure that you don’t make a game out of getting rejected, forgetting to have normal interactions with women afterwards…
I’m very curious to hear your thoughts and read your feedback in the comments! I’ll actually use it to improve my writing, and even revise this chapter! Also, if you enjoyed reading this post, make sure to follow Vikingfinity – I write new articles every week, and you don’t want to miss them!